Post by Saucer on Mar 21, 2004 16:01:32 GMT -5
I saw this on another message board. It's too funny not to repost!
17-03-2004: US Military Upgrades Abram's main attack.
The United States Army has upgraded the main attack used by the M1A2SEP,
the premier main battle tank in its inventory. The 120mm gun will now fire
APFSDS rounds using the new M866A attack call "ABRAMS MAINGUN SUPER
SMASH!!", replacing the old M833C "ABRAMS GUN CRASH!". According to the
chief publicist of the army, the changeover will be completed in time for
the climactic final battle with the evil alien hordes. The new attack is
expected to cause shells to be able to penetrate over 450,000mm of RHA at 90
degrees. The daring and brave tank commander is expected to be able to call
this over 45 times before needing to stare darkly at his foe to replenish
his ammo load.
In addition, the coax gun's attack call has been replaced with "COAX
FLAME!", which is expected to increase rate of fire, along with adding
explosive potential to the 7.62mm rounds.
The older M1A1 is expected to receive main attack upgrades by next year;
research is being undertaken for the old 105mm cannon's main attack. The
antipersonell attack "ABRAMS BLAST!" is unaffected by the upgrade.
17-03-2004: Taiwan reports schoolgirl recruitment shortage.
Citing an increase in desire to become fashion models and singers with the
help of magical pens, the Taiwanese ministry of Defense has reported a
fall-off in combat ready schoolgirls. A spokesman observed, "Recently we
have not been meeting our recruitment target goals. We need to increase the
number of combat ready magical schoolgirls."
Taiwan is reportedly planning a new recruitment drive, which will promote
the benefits of wearing skimpy outfits while battling giant monsters and
rival schoolgirls from the Chinese mainland.
17-03-2004: UK MoD announces completion of L85A2 upgrade.
The L85A2 basic infantry combat sword has recieved the official stamp of
approval from scientists at a secret facility located somewhere in Brixton
after completing a set of rigorous tests. Complaints about the old L85A1
sword led to the redesign of the blade and sheath. The new sword reportedly
has none of the faults of the earlier blade, like refusal to leave the
sheath, and the inability to slice through fifty onrushing ninjas while
deflecting two hundred incoming throwing stars.
The sword will be issued immediately, starting with the SAS, Britain's
elite Supecial Air Surbise.
17-03-2004: F22 receives combat certification
Having completed combat trials, the F22 has received certification for
service with the USAF. Three F22's have been purchased and will equip the
122nd "Battle Flying Power Blasting" squadron.
In its testing regimen, the F22 has demonstrated an ability to enter high
alpha, fire weapons at moving and static aerial targets, and to be piloted
by a somewhat crazy but loveable man who recklessly lives life at the edge.
The F22 will be armed intially with an m61A1 vulcan gatling supercannon and
roughly 40000 AIM-120C AMRAAM advanced medium range air-air missiles
equipped with special smoke generating motors, stored in the belly weapons
bay.
In future, a special rocket booster to allow the F-22 to operate in space
will be added, and the transformation mode will be brought beyond the
dangerous prototype stage once it is used in combat for the first time
because there was no choice.
17-03-2004: US Military Upgrades Abram's main attack.
The United States Army has upgraded the main attack used by the M1A2SEP,
the premier main battle tank in its inventory. The 120mm gun will now fire
APFSDS rounds using the new M866A attack call "ABRAMS MAINGUN SUPER
SMASH!!", replacing the old M833C "ABRAMS GUN CRASH!". According to the
chief publicist of the army, the changeover will be completed in time for
the climactic final battle with the evil alien hordes. The new attack is
expected to cause shells to be able to penetrate over 450,000mm of RHA at 90
degrees. The daring and brave tank commander is expected to be able to call
this over 45 times before needing to stare darkly at his foe to replenish
his ammo load.
In addition, the coax gun's attack call has been replaced with "COAX
FLAME!", which is expected to increase rate of fire, along with adding
explosive potential to the 7.62mm rounds.
The older M1A1 is expected to receive main attack upgrades by next year;
research is being undertaken for the old 105mm cannon's main attack. The
antipersonell attack "ABRAMS BLAST!" is unaffected by the upgrade.
17-03-2004: Taiwan reports schoolgirl recruitment shortage.
Citing an increase in desire to become fashion models and singers with the
help of magical pens, the Taiwanese ministry of Defense has reported a
fall-off in combat ready schoolgirls. A spokesman observed, "Recently we
have not been meeting our recruitment target goals. We need to increase the
number of combat ready magical schoolgirls."
Taiwan is reportedly planning a new recruitment drive, which will promote
the benefits of wearing skimpy outfits while battling giant monsters and
rival schoolgirls from the Chinese mainland.
17-03-2004: UK MoD announces completion of L85A2 upgrade.
The L85A2 basic infantry combat sword has recieved the official stamp of
approval from scientists at a secret facility located somewhere in Brixton
after completing a set of rigorous tests. Complaints about the old L85A1
sword led to the redesign of the blade and sheath. The new sword reportedly
has none of the faults of the earlier blade, like refusal to leave the
sheath, and the inability to slice through fifty onrushing ninjas while
deflecting two hundred incoming throwing stars.
The sword will be issued immediately, starting with the SAS, Britain's
elite Supecial Air Surbise.
17-03-2004: F22 receives combat certification
Having completed combat trials, the F22 has received certification for
service with the USAF. Three F22's have been purchased and will equip the
122nd "Battle Flying Power Blasting" squadron.
In its testing regimen, the F22 has demonstrated an ability to enter high
alpha, fire weapons at moving and static aerial targets, and to be piloted
by a somewhat crazy but loveable man who recklessly lives life at the edge.
The F22 will be armed intially with an m61A1 vulcan gatling supercannon and
roughly 40000 AIM-120C AMRAAM advanced medium range air-air missiles
equipped with special smoke generating motors, stored in the belly weapons
bay.
In future, a special rocket booster to allow the F-22 to operate in space
will be added, and the transformation mode will be brought beyond the
dangerous prototype stage once it is used in combat for the first time
because there was no choice.
